150 days sober

It’s been rocky, it’s been awesome, a miracle, a struggle and so much more. 150 alcohol free days. Sometimes I wanted to give up. Other times I was certain I would never drink again.
It’s still a day by day journey. I’m thankful I have made it this far, for when I began, this day seemed totally out of reach.
Huzzah .
Till next week
Boozebrain.

Day 148 – 51 Qs your drunk would ask – No 4

I love beer…why can’t I have some?

Beer contains a chemical called dickheadomine. This has to be metabolized and cleared by the brain. In drunks, this takes about two days and requires a lot of work by friends and family. Toxic levels of dickeadomine can soon build up, especially if the conscience, heart and spirit are not functioning well. Extra strong beers are the most dangerous types for heavy drinkers followed by Guiness and lite beers that taste like crap.

Spiteful drinkers, resentful types and people who blame others for their woes are most at risk. As little as a few stubbies can be lethal to drunkards who are sensitive to anger management issues. This means that a small amount can set the drinker off on a rampage.

Beer itself is not fattening, but copious amounts distorts the brain and leaves the drunk open to temptation from doner kebabs and hot chips.

There are many special programs available for drunks with specific alcohol related problems, such as loneliness, insecurity and even those who suffer from excessive arrogance.

Remember to never leave your drunk alone with fresh beer.

Till next week

Boozebrain

Day 142 – it’s all over…or is it?

Last night I gave up, surrendered and threw in my Boozebrain towel. I declared to my partner that I desired to resume drinking red wine. At that point, had she given me her blessing I would now be drinking a fine glass of red. Instead she looked slightly disappointed and suggested I buy an expensive bottle of non alcoholic wine and see if that quenches my desire.

Funny how life often hinges on the little things…a look, a slight change in the tone of voice, a casual suggestion. It was all I needed to immediately strengthen my resolve.

Today I feel strong once more.

What led me to that point of simply giving up was a general lack of self belief. I have struggled with it my whole life. Will it ever get better? Yes I’m sure it will but I know it requires daily work and effort.

Here’s to me working my arse off. B

Boozebrain.

Day 139 – ego a go go

It is time to finally admit I’m not a great comedian by any stretch. I’m just an average to good comic who has occasionally had some great nights. Following last nights gig I realised a number of crucial things:

1) I’m too old to be competing with comics half my age. I’ve had my time in the sun at various points over the last 15 years ago and now it’s time for me to get out of the way (which isn’t hard) and allow others to shine. Not only are they more youthful, energetic and more in tune with the audience…but many of them are far funnier too! It’s really okay and I feel relieved that I can stop this ego facade.

2) I’m a Dad of four kids including two under the age of three. I don’t have time to commit to comedy
anymore. To be a successful comic requires hard work and total commitment to your craft. I can’t give it that time and passion. Life is different now, often hectic and that’s cool. It’s simply time to accept my reality.

3) I have other work areas I need to develop and by holding on to some absurd dream of comic fame and fortune is severely holding me back. It’s not going to happen. It was never going to happen! Time to face facts.

4) life is hard. Yes it’s often wonderful but it’s also difficult. I need to focus on what works for me and build on that.

My ego and alcohol were never a good partnership. My ego was regularly fragile and one bad gig would destroy
my confidence which could only be rebuilt through alcohol. Alternatively one great gig and I’d think I was better that I really was which lead me to celebrate with alcohol.

Whatever comic experience I had, good or bad, alcohol was always my response.

Yes, the ego is a tricky and sneaky animal.

Time for me to be honest with myself and work towards my new goals. I know what they are but I have been procrastinating for so long. Time to put in the hard yards.

Time to say goodbye to the old me.

Till tomorrow

Boozebrain.

Day 137 – close call

I came very close to having wine tonight…very close.
Is my recovery (for want of a better term) normal? Does this struggle ever get easier or does it remain a constant battle?
What will happen to me if I drink again? Obviously I know the answer to that but at the same time…

Any ideas out there folks?

Till next time

Boozebrain

Day 133 – Enough already

I’m delighted I generated a daily blog for this long, however the effort to maintain it is now too much.

For the last week it has, for the first time in 130 odd days, become a burden.

Therefore I will be blogging weekly from now on.

I feel happy, committed and joyous.

I’m still totally resolved to never drinking again.

To sobriety

Boozebrain

Day 132 – Footy fever

Today I’m attending my first ever adult football game as a sober supporter. It’s going to be different as previously it was all about ‘getting beers into ya’. Hot chips combined with a bourbon and dry to be precise. I drank bourbon because it was the only full strength alcohol you could buy at the ground, and be buggered if I was going to drink mid strength beer.
In the past it was all about having a drink before the match, several during the game and a few more after it was over to either celebrate or commiserate. To be honest the game itself was secondary.
Today signifies a new beginning…yet again. I’m looking forward to it.
I will keep you posted.
Boozebrain.

Day 131 – Survival of the soberist

I survived yesterday although it was a struggle. It was the worst day I have had in a long time. Not so much about my drinking, but life in general. Today feels different and it’s surprising what one good nights sleep can do for the body and mind. I consistently underestimate the power of sleep. Something so simple and yet it’s effects are all encompassing…so why don’t I go to bed earlier on a regular basis? Well mainly because late at night is the only time when the house is quiet and I can work in peace. I know this and have done for a long time. The reality is that I have a very young family who don’t give a toss about my struggles and nor can/should they. My four children are just that – children. I’m simply  going to have to walk the talk on this which is:

• One day at a time
• My life is what it is
• Reality is hard
• Practice patience and forgiveness
• Accept that I can only do so much

I keep getting ahead of myself and dream of adventures and projects that with a very young family are simply not possible…RIGHT NOW.

It’s all about the NOW isn’t it? The now is where everything happens but for most of my life I have been preoccupied with tomorrow. Some people live in the past and some in the future. The hardest thing is to live in the present moment. But that’s exactly what the moment is – a present. A gift. An opportunity for life. Do I accept the NOW or continue to frustrate myself with the tomorrow.

Man this is driving me nuts. None of this is new. I have known this shit for years, but there is a massive gulf between knowing and doing.

It’s time for some serious doing.

Till tomorrow…always tomorrow!

Until the moment…

Boozebrain

Day 130 – CRAP ATTACK

I once heard a writer say that the hardest years of life are between 8 and 80! Today that rings so true. Juggling parenting, working, money problems, a relationship and everything else that life throws at you is hard going at times. Despite the positive self talk and recognising old negative patterns of behaviour and consciously trying to ‘do’ life differently, I still have days where all I want to do is go and get drunk. Today is one of them. A crap morning, kids driving me insane, unable to get a scrap of work completed, feeling stressed, two social engagements I could do without but have to attend, two bills just arrived in the post that I can’t afford to pay right now and blah blah blah.

Geez am I whingeing or what? Is any of this justified or do I need to suck it up and get on with it? There are so many people far worse off than me…but right now I don’t give a shit. I’m miserable and need to get out of this head space. I just want silence, peace, solitude, however when you are in a relationship with four kids and money problems, finding solitude is nigh on impossible.

Anyway I now have to go to the first of these social engagements so I will slap on my happy face, smile and play the game of life. Oh and there will be lovely wine served at lunch as well. Bugger. I’m so starting to tire of water, tea and coffee.

Alas this is my life, this is my reality and I must accept this is where I’m at or I will be back drinking before I know it.

Great spirit of life, I could use a hand right now buddy.

Till tomorrow

Boozebrain

Day 129 – beer man

I’m in a pub listening to a comedy debate/ hypothetical, surrounded by folks sculling beer and wine. In fact the last time I was in this pub was around 4 years ago, during work time when my then colleague and I skived off and got rather pissed before driving back to the office in the work car…oops.
A lot changes in 4 years hey.
Previously at such an event I would be onto my third pint desperately planning a sneaky route home to avoid the Police and just praying I make it home. Tonight I’m sober and actually listening to what’s happening. Amazing.
Mind you that glass of Red looks inviting.
Another water please bartender…
Till tomorrow
Boozebrain.